last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
