I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
you made out with another girl for some wings
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
