So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
