Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
me + whiskey = a bad person
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
