even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
