If that was your dad, he is hot
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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