You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
