Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
