my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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