Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
