I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
