mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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