K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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