before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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