i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
