I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
