I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
