dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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