i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
