So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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