yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
