Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Boobs speak an international language.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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