I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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