im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
