It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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