she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
