So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
