I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
