I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
