WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
there is glitter all over my balls
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
