she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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