Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
