So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
