Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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