I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
