So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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