Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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