I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
meet me or not, i'm out of control
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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