I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
