he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
