So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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