I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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