if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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