Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
