just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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