im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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