Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
