Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(206): View more from Washington

genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?

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(+33): View more from France

Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.

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(510): View more from California

I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.

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(914): View more from New York

It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.

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(971): View more from Oregon

He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over

(770): View more from Georgia

Probably Waffle House

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