Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
