So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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